Monday, October 5, 2009


The word that is usually translated "grace" is in Greek charis (χαρις), which literally means "that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness".

Joy, pleasure delight, sweetness, charm and loveliness.

I don’t feel much joy right now. I am not getting a lot of pleasure as to where my life is in the moment. And I am finding it hard to take delight in the day to day. The grace that I have is depleted. I don’t want to be sweet, charming and lovely. I want to pout, get angry, and cry. Want to know why? OK, I’ll tell you.

Because life is hard.

I know, not a news flash, but when you are working so hard every day to make sure everything is okay, and then the world throws you a curve ball that makes it all go out of whack, it’s hard.

I know, I’m speaking in broad strokes when I need to narrow it down a bit.

The following has to do with three people in my life. My WH (wonderful husband), my DD (darling daughter), and me (me).

My DD’s 13th birthday is coming up very quickly. She had a wonderful idea to have a birthday party that would act as an outreach for a ministry that she feels very strongly about. Things were coming together and I was just in awe of all that God was doing in making this happen. And then… I found out I was to have surgery the Friday before her birthday. This is going to be quite an extensive surgery so we are unsure as to the recovery time. Everything for her had to be put on hold because of me. I feel awful. The doctors will not let me put it off, even for a month, so that I could celebrate the day of my daughter’s arrival on earth. I don’t remember a lot of my birthdays, but my 13th I do remember. It’s almost like a rite of passage, and I’m letting her down. I’m being honest, it’s very hard to find the joy, the pleasure or the delight in not being able to come through for your child. I realize that I should look at the blessings, that she is healthy, that I have a surgeon who is attentive enough to want me to be healthy, that God worked out the details so that I could get in…But… why now? I know His ways are not my ways, His plans are not my plans, but I hate letting her down but I just don’t know what to do. I have to find the grace, but right now it’s not in me.

My WH made a decision about something that I am having a hard time submitting to. I like to control things. I will admit that. My brother always said I was bossy, and yes I will claim that as well. But in my heart, I want, desire my WH to be the head of our home, to fall under his leadership and to submit to his authority because that’s how God says marriage is supposed to be and the marriages I see that are structured that way, they work. Now, I’m not going to say that that those marriages are perfect, because they are not, but whenever we do things God’s way, even in our imperfection God will work it out. God knows we can never be perfect, but He never wants us to stop trying.

So anyway WH made a decision about something that I don’t agree with and it’s taking EVERYTHING in me to not “just fix it”. This is not about his mistake, it’s about the internal struggle that I am having with submitting to my husband. To running headlong ahead of him and God and taking care of it myself…(how has that been working for me?)

So grace is needed. I need to give him grace. To be sweet, charming and lovely, but I don’t FEEL it. I feel hurt, angry, mad, and frustrated. But feelings can be changed can’t they? So my grace tank is empty. I look into the bank of my heart and find out I am overdrawn. I have no more grace so I cannot feel joyful, I cannot take pleasure and delight, and I cannot be sweet, charming and lovely.

I cannot do it by myself.

But God…….

Grace I cannot give to everyone else if I am not willing to accept it from my heavenly Father.

8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—Ephesians 2:8

This not from myself, or from my WH, or from my DD, or from my family or friends. But the gift of God. I have to focus on His Grace, accept His Grace, and replenish my bank from His supply. I have to look to Him to give me the joy, the pleasure and the delight in ALL things even when it’s hard.

I don’t know what DD birthday is going to be but God does.

I don’t know what my WH is going to do, but God does.

Nothing surprises Him so I go to His well this morning and drink deeply from the living waters His grace and today, tomorrow, and every day when it gets hard, I will go back and drink again, through reading His Word, through Prayer, and through Trust.

God I know that your grace is sufficient. We often say that without understanding what grace means. God I pray that when each of us is lost in our day to day life and feeling overwhelmed and undone, that we will come to you to renew our joy. We will come to you to find the pleasure and delight in our lives and in our circumstances. Lord I pray that we will each come to you to replenish the sweetness, charm and loveliness that gets depleted in our day to day lives. Help us each not to rely on those around us to fill up our wells because man will let us down, but to fall on our knees and reach to you for the gift of Grace that you have given each of us. In God’s name we pray. Amen.


Karen Dawkins said...

Being refined by your Creator as He prepares you for the works you have yet to do, the works He has designed for you! Growing in His grace so you can extend it to others. Tough, but praiseworthy!!!

Love you.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you ARE human! Thanks for sharing your true heart with us. I can so easily relate, but you have the tools to remind me of what I need to do about things to change my thoughts....I just love you!

Gracie Baby